My Red Flags in men

Carton image of a white man covered in red flags, sitting on a white chair with 8 beer bottles on the table and a blue background

We all have them, red flags. The warning signs of a person that we don’t want to be around. This us setting boundaries for ourselves so that way we don’t get hurt. Red Flags aren’t blunt. I mean, no one really goes out of their way to tell on themselves, like no one is gonna come out and say “I hate women” however they would say something or exhibit behavior that makes you realize that they hate women or don’t see women as equal to men.

I came across this thread on twitter called “weird red flags” and it’s mainly people talking about things they find in other people that makes them suspicious or they are not someone to pursue when wanting a relationship. Seeing this trend on twitter, I would like to share my red flags regarding men. 

Now, if you’re a man and any of these apply to you. Don’t take it personal. I’m sure you’re probably an alright person but because of my experience with these red flags that I’m gonna share with you, I personally wouldn’t want to date you or be associated with you. So here, are my ten red flags about men. 

  1. Has no Social Media:

Now, I feel most women wouldn’t find it concerning if the guy they’re interested in has no social media (or so he claims). In my experience though, most of the dudes that don’t have any social media or claim to not have any social media are probably hiding something, may have a 4chan or reddit account in which they spew hatred about women and minorities, or they might be registered sex offenders.  Yes, depending on the level of the offense most registered sex offenders can’t use the social media apps like facebook or instagram. A lot of them find loopholes around it but still. To me, not having any social media means that you’re probably hiding a wife or girlfriend you don’t want me knowing about or you’re probably a predator.

 I don’t think I’ve met offenders but most men that have told me they don’t have any other social media accounts other then Snapchat, reddit, or whisper tend to be creepy or their hiding something that they don’t want you to know.

2. Against sexual predators but does or defends predatory shit:

I have often heard men express anger over sexual predators. However, because of the #metoo era, a lot of men are starting to realize that their encounter with women might have been predatory. These men don’t apologize for their past behavior or they’ll still try to blame the women in this situation. Others may even defend their behavior.

“yeah, I did wait until she was drunk or high enough to have sex with me but that I’m not a weirdo that rapes people.”

“yeah she’s 17, but she came on to me!”

“maybe if I send this picture of my p*nis, she’ll love me!”

“I don’t pay for sex because I’m above that so I log into snapchat and harass women until they block me or send me nudes for free!”

There are men that exclaim they’ll kill pedophiles but think it’s okay to date someone as young as 16 year old when their past the age of 25 because “they don’t seem 16”. They think it’s perfectly normal when they flash women in the DMs on facebook or instagram but if a man does that in public than he’s a creep. This is still predatory behavior.

When the topic of age of consent came up in conversation, this man, that had expressed interests in me, had said “if they’re 16 or 17 then, yeah! that is pedophilia… but if they’re 18 or 19 then that’s okay.” This person was 39 at the time and unknowingly expressed that the only thing stopping him from dating younger was the law, not his morals.

Point is, if you find yourself with someone who says they hate predators but defends the idea of dating a teenager when they’re over 25, finds nothing wrong with women of a certain race being fetishized, or even plays devils advocate on the topic of rape, then I hope you run because this person is hiding something they don’t want to share.

3. Putting down other women as an attempt at flirtation:

I am an android user, a samsung user to be specific. I have been for over a decade. As a photographer, I just found the camera quality better than iPhones. When I use to work at Marshall’s I had a male colleague compliment me for being different. I asked how, and he said it was because I chose a Samsung over a iPhone and according to him, I was “different from other girls because I took quality over trends”. This annoyed me because one, he practically generalized every women and thought that we all had iPhones. Two, in that statement he made, he put down women by saying that we are all generic because of our choice in cellphones.

You don’t have to diss other women to compliment one. As a black women, I often hate it when most men try to come on to me by dissing white women or other women just to flirt.

4. Elon Musk:

Elon Musk is a dumb man’s version of a smart man. Most people look to him as some real-life Tony Stark, when really, the man was born rich due to his family’s South African diamond mine. he went to a specialized prep school. Not only that but Elon musk acts like the cool billionaire although he is heartless as any other billionaire. To be honest, this goes for anyone in the lower classes who defends any billionaire. Not all billionaires became accumulated their wealth through hard work and being incredibly smart.

5. “The double standard” :

Now, nothing bothers me more than a man who constantly must point out “double standards” when comparing men and women, particularly in cases of sexual assault or physical abuse. One of the reasons as to why I am opposed to this is because the men who do this, often don’t care about the male victim but often point out these “double standards” to shut women up when they come out with their stories of abuse. Now don’t get me wrong, I know men who have been raped or victims of domestic violence. However, they are more of an ally in the fight for womens’ liberation than to use their experience to be misogynists.

Another thing that I want to point out about the sex crime double-standard is that it makes it seem that women are automatically believed when they accuse a man of abuse and that justice happens swiftly for us but men suffer in silence. Thing is, sex crimes in general aren’t reported often. And most accused offenders regardless of gender often get off with nothing more than a slap on the risk. while Britney Zamora sits rightfully so in a californian prison, rotting away for the next 20 years, a male rapist got no jail time simply because he used a condom. Brock Turner only got six months.

6. Doesn’t believe women or minorities have it that hard:

The most ignorant thing you can do to a woman and/or a minority is telling them that their problems are minuscule. Just because we live in the 21st century, doesn’t mean things are better for women or other minorities. Women are still fighting for equal pay, paid maternity leave, and reproduction rights. Most women still find it hard to be independent in most developed countries. Just because a very few amount of women managed to break glass ceilings doesn’t mean we have accomplished equality for women. If you are talking from a place of privilege, then you have no business telling women or PoC that we are exaggerating our shared experiences.

7. All their ex’s are crazy or they have a poor view of women:

Now, if not one of your past relationships worked out, than you might be a huge factor in that. I have seen women broken down by this. Most of the time, it’s the men who caused that craziness.

8. “Preferences”:

Now don’t get me wrong on this one. We all have preferences. I prefer a man with a bachelors degree, with no kids, taller than me, between 26-30. However, because these are my dating preferences, I’m not gonna bash the men who don’t meet these preferences. I might not date them but I’m not gonna make them feel less human or less deserving of respect simply because I’m not attracted to them. Now, this I don’t find it with women but I do see this a lot with men. That if they don’t find you sexually appealing they’ll treat you like the worst thing on earth. 

9. Refers to women as everything other than women:

“Girls”, “thots”,  “bitches”, “hoes”, and “females”.  If you’re a man and you use any of these words to describe a women over the age of 20. I automatically assume that you don’t generally see women as people or your equal.  However, I don’t understand how men find it hard to refer to women as women?

It’s like the term “women” is a title to be earned. As if I must “have it all” before I get to call myself a women. And the funny thing is, I have heard people refer to boys in their teens as men. Actually, come to think about it… the only time I have ever heard someone use the term “women” is when a sex scandal breaks out and becomes national news. All of a sudden, that child isn’t a girl anymore, they’re considered “underaged woman”. Which downplays the scary trend of sexualizing teenaged girls.

10. How they treat women they aren’t attracted to:

If you read number 8, then you know I am about to piggy-back here. One of my biggest red flags is how you treat women who you aren’t related to and women you aren’t attracted to. Now, I have been on both sides of this. Where a dude disrespected me for not being attractive enough for him but also had men treat me with the upmost “respect” simply because they found me cute. If a man is treating me kindly while treating the next women like garbage simply because she’s not attractive, it shows that he doesn’t respect women or sees them as human. Plus, even having “respect” for women you find attractive isn’t respect. This is just another sexual conquest for you.

When I was younger, I use to ignore the red flags and ultimately I got played simply because I put being kind and accepting over my own worth. Today, I’ve learn from the past, and I do believe we shouldn’t ignore these red flags. I am still a nice person but I refuse to be around people who don’t value me. If we ignore red flags, we are ignoring our boundaries and settling simply because we fear being alone. So if someone has a Red Flag, do not ignore that sign. Remember, they are called red flags for a reason.

Share your thoughts in the comments! Agree or disagree? Also, what are your red flags?

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